sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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