i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Randomize
