Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize