My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
