my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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