why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.