I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.