If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you guys were way drunker than both of me
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
