I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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