update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
you will always have a special place in my vag
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
