I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Randomize
