The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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