Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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