I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
