No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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