So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
