Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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