So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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