i jhust puked up my retainher.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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