my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
