my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
