so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
