He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
