apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
