Michael Bay diarrhea
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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