Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
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Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
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My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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