You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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