I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
