Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
it glows. i had to have it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize