oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
love makes seman taste better
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
