I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
