dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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