Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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