She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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