fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
