meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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