How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Randomize
