Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
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