Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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