**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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