Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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