defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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