You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
