I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
