he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I could have mohawked her pubes.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Randomize
