I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
