I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
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Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize