I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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