Someone shit on the floor
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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