im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
he had hair everywhere except his balls
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
