I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
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