Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.